"First anorexia eats away at your body, then your life and finally your mind. I was a balanced healthy individual until a friend went on a diet and lost weight. She looked great and radiated with confidence so I thought if I lost a few kilos I would feel better too.
I began to change my eating habits and exercise more. With persistence, my weight began to drop and I received compliments and a sense of achievement.
I was a perfectionist, a high achiever and a very determined individual so I began to push myself harder. If a recipe demanded oil, I’d use a non-stick pan. Regular milk was not an option and treats were closely regulated. One hour of exercise would compensate for two scoops of low fat ice cream or a 225g tub of dairy dessert. Yet, the intake of anything high in energy without the opportunity to exercise was frightening. If a friend gave me a chocolate bar, my face would grow crimson, my heart would start pounding and my fingers would struggle to undo the wrapper. When the sweet finally entered my mouth I’d became engorged with guilt and anger.
Fearing that I was developing an unhealthy relationship with food, I saw a GP. Having satisfied herself that I was eating three meals a days and that I didn't "look underweight", she sent me away. Yet, had she determined that my meals comprised of a single weetbix with water, 2 pieces of dry bread with tuna and a small portion of vegetables and rice for dinner, she may have taken my concerns more seriously.
I began to avoid social situations, preferring to find a dark corner to eat my perfectly planned meal. Occasionally, I'd go to a movie with a friend yet the lead up to the event would be spent fretting about the possibly scenarios - "What if I don't like the menu?", "What if I overeat?" With all this angst, it was difficult to involve myself in the conversation and to even appreciate the company so one by one my friends began to distance themselves from me.
My body was starved. I was weak and constantly tired and I was severely depressed. At some level, I knew what I was doing was bad for my health and having a negative impact on my life but I was unable to let go.
At this stage my mum realised something was wrong and tried to get me some help. The problem with recovering from an eating disorder is there is no simple solution; no pill to take or surgery to be performed - you have to really want to get better.
With some help I began to see my once vibrant life for what it was - a daily struggle. I was constantly hungry, lonely and scared. My recovery took several years - planned meals, living with different family members and deferring study all helped get me back on track. Finding achievement in other areas of my life like work and academia also helped as did talking about my feelings with people who cared.
It's been two years now and I've almost reached a comfortable weight and moved on with my life. I can enjoy a coffee with friends without worrying about whether the milk is skim or low-fat and whether I'll be able to fit in an hour at the gym. Some days are still tough yet the darkness has lifted and I now see the future as exciting and promising. I have so much more to live for now, for I no longer live to eat."
Web link: For help with an eating disorder call the Eating Disorders Foundation Incorporated on 02 9412 4499 or visit edf.org.au.
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