Losing a friend hurts like hell. There's no miracle pill or magic wand to take away the pain, but you will get through it...
The Worst Pain
If you've never been through it, understanding someone else's grief is a tough one. Chris Hall from the Centre for Grief Education believes grief is best described as a rollercoaster of emotions, because grieving doesn't just as well as affecting the way we think.
Chris believes it's an extra-hard experience for young people. "One of the tasks during adolescence is to be independent," says Chris. "Often the experience of death makes it difficult to do that, as you want to seek out support from other people."
Another side effect for young people is that grief can make it hard too concentrate. "It's not unusual for academic performances to drop," says Chris. "Or for the person to be affected in a social sense. Some people don't want to be around their friends."
There is no right or wrong way to grieve and the way people respond to grief is very personal. Some people are private about it and prefer to find their own ways of coping, while others are happy to talk about it, and even party on with their friends to take their mind off things.
The experience of loss is different for all types of death, but the way people manage it can have similarities.
Death as a result of suicide is very sudden and traumatic. "People are overwhelmed by suicide and the usual coping abilities can be placed under stress," says Chris. "Sometimes people will blame themselves and question it. We can't control other people and often don’t know the answers to why someone has taken their life."
When someone dies after an illness, people are physically and emotionally exhausted from providing care and support. "Often there will be a sense of relief which can sometimes be followed by guilt," says Chris. "It's normal to feel some sense of relief after that difficult period."
To some extent, anticipating a death does give you time to think about the outcomes, but doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to be easier to deal with.
We don’t get a choice about how or when a friend dies, but we do have plenty of choices in the way we respond to grief.
"We can talk to people or keep a journal and write down our thoughts and feelings," says Chris. "Some people maintain an ongoing emotional connection to the deceased by putting photos on display or burning a CD with the friend's favourite music." Even thinking about a linking object like a piece of jewellery or clothing can keep that person close.
Many just don't know what to say to someone in the wake of a loss. Showing your support doesn't have to involve difficult conversations. Chris suggests writing a simple note of condolence to the family, remembering the person and showing your commitment as a friend. Don't be scared of talking about the person and discussing them directly. Death might end a life, but it doesn't necessarily end the relationship you had.
The best help: friends vs professionals
According to Chris, the best people to get support from are those you can trust or feel comfortable with. It might be a friend, teacher, school welfare co-ordinator or a counsellor in the community health service — it really just depends what your needs are. Your local GP might even be able to help you.
"It needs to be somebody who will allow you to talk about the experience and who understands that sometimes we need to talk about these things over and over again," says Chris.
This is where joining a support group for adolescents can be helpful. Being with other people of the same age who've had a similar experience makes people feel less alone.
But not everyone needs to spill their feelings about death and grief. Some people just want to be alone and get through it themselves or even read up on the experience.
"The majority of people manage the experience without the need for professional counselling," says Chris. "It depends on the extent to which the death is affecting day to day functioning. Is it impacting the grievers ability to sleep or concentrate? Are they feeling anxious or depressed? In this case, it's certainly helpful to seek additional professional support."
How to get help
If you're down about a loss and need some professional support, don't hesitate to contact your local community health service or counsellor. To find out more about the Centre for Grief Education or speak to a professional visit their website www.grief.org.au
Words: Samera Kamaleddine
